The stars are bright (but do they know)
by Livinelf
Summary: The first time Rey dreams of him she is five and alone.


Author's note: This fic assumes a lack of significant age gap between Rey and Ben.

* * *

The first time Rey dreams of him she is five and alone in an endless sea of sand with hot days and restless nights. Usually in her sleep she sees her family, everyone together happy on some faraway planet, free of danger, harsh winds and hunger, but not this time.

He is sitting on the floor of a huge room full of unfamiliar spacecrafts, dwarfed by the giants around him - a crying little boy, small and thin, black hair falling over his face. At first she's not sure where she is, she has never seen this place before, wants to explore, but then a different kind of curiosity gets the better of her and she approaches the figure. Her steps are careful, measured, she knows now not to rush into the unknown (the sands have taught that lesson well).

"Why are you crying?" – he startles, scoots back and furiously wipes at his face, then looks at her. "Who are you?" His eyes are big, brown and scared and she thinks she wants to help him even though nobody helped _her_.

"I'm Rey, who are you?"

"Ben" he gets up "What are you doing here, Rey? I thought this place was empty" – he looks at her closely, studying her, obviously embarrassed she caught him crying, but also curious, inquisitive. She thinks she wants to be his friend.

"I don't know. But I want to help you" – she's honest.

"You can't" – his face scrunches up and looks like he's about to cry, but he fights back the tears. "Dad left again". She comes close and gives him a hug, which he first protests, but then returns. "You need to be strong. He will be back". This pain she knows, this pain she understands.

ooo

Next time she dreams of him, he's gotten taller, stronger, darker. Rey is in a room, that looks a little like a junk shop with all sorts of interesting odds and ends and she'd like to take a closer look, but Ben is there too and he's angry, furious, throwing things around with some unseen force(this is a dream – she thinks - why wouldn't he). She doesn't know what to do and how to help – she deals with machines, not people.

"Ben!" she tries. She's grown too, daring, strong-willed, learned to run, to climb, to hide. She still falls quite a lot, but keeps going anyway, because she can do this and because there's nothing else to do in her desert anyway when the pain of waiting is too much to bear. She hasn't given up yet.

He turns to her then, a quick motion, almost a blur, and his eyes are big, brown and scared and she thinks he hasn't changed at all.

"He's gone again" the anger returns, vicious, biting and the wall beside him is now covered in a net of cracks.

Rey knows he needs to learn control, needs to learn to stop, she's learned it well enough – no one has patience for temper tantrums in the desert. But she also understands he needs comfort more then he needs control, at least for now. "You need to be strong. He will be back". A hug follows and he clings to her, desperate and shaking. Comfort she can give.

This becomes a routine for them - she offers support unreservedly, Ben takes it. He tells her about his family and even though he hasn't been left alone on a hostile planet his face is full of the same longing Rey sees in any mirror. Their conversations aren't always sad, often they share not pain, but happiness, they laugh and play and she teaches him what she learns of machinery(scavenging is her life now.. apart from waiting), he shows her neat tricks with flying objects and she finds it fascinating. But the more time passes the angrier Ben becomes, more displeased, never with her, but always with something. The word "try" is an insult to him now, only "succeed" is acceptable. He becomes reckless and more often than not she sees him with scratches, burns, bruises. He says he gets into a lot of fights and she believes him. He says he will be the strongest someday and she believes that too.

Rey thinks herself an adult now, capable, mature. She has survived without help for a long time, has taught herself to fight with a pole and pilot an aircraft and scavenging keeps her fed, if not particularly full. She is proud of herself and has every reason to be so, and wishes her family would be here to be proud of her too.

Ben is an adult as well, although he behaves like a child more often than not. His voice is low, his hair surrounds his head in a sort of a black halo, he is impossibly tall and moves with a strange mix of enchanting grace and clumsiness she wouldn't be able to replicate even if she tried. All in all he cuts an imposing figure, but the eyes betray him – they are still big, brown and scared as if he hasn't aged a day. Everything about him is big now, especially his ego. Sometimes it annoys her that he's growing so fast because she feels she's always playing catch-up, always trying, never catching. It's almost like having a brother.

One day Ben says that he is tired and Rey smiles and says so is she.

ooo

Next time they meet she remembers vividly.

That evening on Jakku is hot, oppressive, even more so than usual and Rey doesn't like it. She feels dull, despondent, worried, even though those emotions are not in her vocabulary. She thinks the night will bring trouble and going to sleep doesn't seem like a good idea, but rest is necessary, otherwise her scavenging endeavors will suffer tomorrow and she'll stay without food. The minute her eyes close she falls into the dream.

It's dark and cold and he's pacing like a caged predator, restless. "Rey" – as if sensing her presence he turns and she thinks he looks haunted. "Rey" – he stalks closer and grabs her hands and squeezes until it almost hurts, desperate, pleading. "I've just killed a man". "Why?" – she is shocked, wants to panic, but can't, has to help him first. "He..he told me to do it and" – he pauses, lets her go and starts pacing again, trying to explain, to force out the words that seem to be stuck in his throat. "I thought it would be easy. He said it was necessary, said it would make me stronger". Rey is scared now, not _of_ him, but _for._

"Ben, who told you to do it?" - She jerks awake, violently, painfully, and her hands are blood red.

She does not dream of him again.

ooo

Life goes on. She meets BB-8, then Finn and leaves Jakku. It's terrifying and exciting at the same time and she doesn't want to go back, but she knows she has to, her waiting is not yet over. And then she meets Han Solo and returning becomes even harder. She never forgets Ben.

ooo

Maz says "But there's someone who still could" and she thinks "Ben?" She says "Luke".

ooo

And then she gets captured. Rey finds the mask rather ridiculous, but this is the first time she's really scared of someone, even though showing that is not an option. She's really angry too. When the mask comes off shock floods her system like a tidal wave and staring is all she can do to not betray her reaction, because it's _him._ He tries to look imposing, but his eyes are still no different from when he was five. He doesn't recognize her though, so she wonders if he ever saw those dreams.

"You're so lonely" – he says and she wants to shout "So are you", but doesn't because something is wrong about him, he _is_ her Ben, yet _isn't_. His presence in her mind feels disgusting, she can almost imagine long fingers rifling through her memories, looking, searching..and when she refuses to cooperate comes pain, and _her_ Ben would never hurt her. And then she feels it, feels the Force, feels the connection he formed to get inside her head and she realizes she can use it, she can walk right back to him and, even though it takes some effort, Rey does - of course she does because she is a survivor, she can do anything.

His mind is a muddled mess, a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, of Ben and not-Ben, of fear, hate, embarrassment. And she takes the strongest thought she can find and hurls it at him. He recoils and it hurts her a bit too – bringing him pain, but she knows it is necessary, she is determined. He leaves then – to lick his wounds or to bring help she doesn't know, and she has to hurry, has to escape. The Force comes easier now, it is warm, comforting, it makes her stronger. Meeting with her friends makes her stronger still, she realizes she is not alone now and Jakku is almost a distant memory, but there are still things that need to be done and the clock is ticking.

ooo

Han Solo is down on the narrow bridge and _her_ Ben is also _his_ Ben and everything is a little more clear and painful now. She knows what is going to happen seconds before it does – it is not the boy from the dream holding the lightsaber any longer, at least not completely, so she tries the only thing she can from all the way up.

"Ben!" – her voice is loud and desperate, it bounces off the walls and she's a little girl again, stopping his temper tantrum. Her companions think she interrupted reconciliation, but she _knows_ she hasn't, she _knows_ she's trying to cheat death.

It works, Ben comes into motion first - a single move to free the weapon from his distracted father and then he's gone in a swirl of black and uncertainty. Han tries to follow, but he's still unbalanced from the loss of both the blade and the chance and the time is running out.

The blast rings after they escape the building and she selfishly hopes Ben made it out in time. And then she finds out he has. He is standing in their path, lightsaber ignited, a wound on his side dripping blood on the snow. Rey wonders how get got hurt and wants to ask, to soothe as she always has, but then Finn is on the ground and attacks rained on her are powerful, dangerous. She holds a lightsaber now as well, but she's never used one before, and it feels uncomfortably short and light and he should have already won, but he seems distracted, unsure, clumsy. The Force comes to her willingly, easily and suddenly she sees all the right moves, feels when to twist, when to strike, she _knows_ how to kill him. But she can't - _her_ Ben is there too – so she doesn't. The victory is hollow and leaves an ashen taste in her mouth, this is not how she wanted their meeting to end. He stares at her, his eyes big, brown and scared and she knows he recognizes her, knows that he too now remembers.

ooo

They escape. Rey looks down on Ben strapped to the ship's medical cot unconscious next to Finn and feels sorry for the cuts she has inflicted, yet there was no other way. Han's arm around her shoulders is warm and steady, a reminder of what they both almost lost, but didn't. He is smiling a soft wistful smile that probably mirrors her own, and there is also love there, and hope, now more than ever. "You did good, kid". She knows she did, she only wishes she would have done better. She says "Let's bring him home".


End file.
